KFC Big Crunch Tower
I forgot to take a picture of this sandwich, so I had to use this photo. The reason why I forgot, is because I WAS SO EXCITED. This sandwich is BIG AND BEAUTIFUL. Oh lord does it deliver as well. The picture above is the standard version, but I got the ZINGER version, which is their spicy zinger sauce in place of the mayo. I have to say, I have not been so impressed in a while. They took a regular Big Crunch, and added ketchup, cheese, AND A HASHBROWN PATTY. YEAH... Wasn't expecting that. I also wasn't expecting how well it would acutally compliment everything. There is so much texture going on in here. So much flavor. So much everything. For some reason though, it's not TOO much to finish. It's perfect! You'd think all the fried food and creamy sauce would be way too rich... and it should be... but it isn't. MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE MAN. This sandwich is up there with the Double Down and the Cheddar Bacon Uncle Burger. This sandwich is so good it makes me want to rap about it... UH... Yeah... Drop the beat son... Yo, yo, yo... This sandwich rules, you better fuckin eat it fools, Big Crunch Tower bitch, gonna make you lose your cools. Motherfuckin Chicken has a hat of Hashbrown, tastes so good, You better bring your cash down! KFC bitch, gonna own the human race, Colonel Sanders out his grave, gonna PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. PEACE. I'M OUT. TELL THAT EMINEM CHUMP 8 MILE SUCKED MY DICK. WORD.

^WHOA. THIS GUY'S A FUCKIN' IDIOT^
Can't believe I just reviewed that piece of shit twice, because I'm too retarded to look at the last thing I posted. HURR DURR. Thank god nobody actually reads this shit.

BK's Pulled Pork Sandwich w/ Sweet Potato Fries
Well I'm not too sure why I haven't posted in this blog for 2 months... Maybe I got bored of it... Maybe I forgot... Who fuckin cares though because I'm back with a DOOZY. That's right, a FUCKING DOOZY. I've never used that word in my entire fucking life, and this sandwich deserves the title. IT'S STRAIGHT UP DISGUSTING. I've never met a fast food burger that I couldn't finish, due to taste, but HERE IT IS. Firstly, I don't know if you've had pulled pork before, but it's pretty damn good. It's suposed to look like uneven strips and strands of pork slathered in BBQ sauce. It's amazing. This, however, IS A SLOPPY PORK PUCK. It's pork and sauce that's been smushed into some sort of slab, and then for some reason, they put MORE bbq sauce on it, and this fucking weird ass yellow "cool creamy" sauce. This makes it so drippy and sloppy, it makes you feel like you're CHEWING PUDDING. Also, WHAT IN THE FUCK IS COOL CREAMY SAUCE. DID YOU GUYS HAVE A FLAVOR IN MIND? IS IT MADE OF SOMETHING? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT. IT LOOKS LIKE HOMER SIMPSON'S JIZZ.  Honestly, the flavors coming from this burger are alright, and it's put onto their awesome new bun (which can be found on their chicken sandwiches now), BUT THE TEXTURE AND THE SLOP JUST DOESN'T FLY MAN. Also, the sweet potato fries are pretty much just "average". That's the only word to describe them. I mean... I'll give Kudos to the King for trying out something completely left field. I've never seen any other fast food pulled pork; but that's probably because they couldn't make it work. Guess what Burger King, NEITHER CAN YOU. THIS IS GOD AWFUL. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME ANYMORE. =(

BK's Pulled Pork and Sweet Potato Fries
Yeah... WTF right? What a fucking weird item to jump onto BK's menu. I had my hopes up too. I love me some BK, and I love me some new items. I really have to give Burger King kudos for bringing something different to the table. I must warn you though, because THIS SHIT IS GOD AWFUL. I'm serious. I always do my best to finish a sandwich, even if I don't really like it. I mean, I hated the Wendy's fish sandwich, but it was still edible. This sandwich is actually unedible. There is NO texture. It's a dog-food-esque texture of meat, and then it's slathered with this yellow shit sauce that makes this sandwich even fucking sloppier, and then they put some onions on it. You try to eat it, and the meat oozes out all of the sides. It doesn't even taste good either. I actually didn't even finish more than 3 bites of this sandwich. The sweet potato fries are okay. Pretty mediocre, so I wouldn't even bother trying them. Literally the only good thing about the sandwich, is the bun. BK just unleashed their new bun, and it's soft and chewy and tasty as hell. But this pulled pork ruins any chances of you enjoying this meal. It is SO BAD. HOLY SHIT. I'm still so mad I spent my money on this, and didn't ask for it back. Wow... My suggestion is to avoid this thing at all fucking costs. Even if you are a homeless person and somebody gives you one, just throw it away. Don't even try to eat this fuckshow. If you wanna try the new bun, it comes on their Tendergrill chicken sandwiches now. Definitely have to try one of those with this new bun.... For real though, if you have big enough balls to try this sandwich, please tell me what you think of it. I might try it again if everybody tells me they liked it. Maybe I just got a bad one???  NOBODY KNOWS. Holla at me on facebook, or comment below if you've tried this shit. Let me know what you think baby baby.

McDonalds Spicy Thai McBistro
You know what? I'm getting kind of sick of this whole "McBistro" thing. This whole "McCafe" thing. This whole fucking "McDonalds is for grownups now" thing. It's lame, and they've completely succeeded with the entire grownup atmosphere. It's kind of sad. When's the last time you saw a Ronald McDonald statue, sitting on the bench next to you. Their main man Ronald, is hidden away now, in their past. Now, when you walk into McDonalds, it's McCafe ALL IN YOUR FACE. Try our new gourmet cappuccino! It feels like you're walking into a nice hotel, when you look at the interior design. A central fireplace. Flatscreen TV's with the news playing. Glass mosaic tiles decorate the neutral colored walls... I mean yeah it's kind of nice. But I miss all the bright cheesy colors. The Nintendo 64 game stations. The Cheeseburglar, and that fat purple fuck Grimace. But I also miss all those crazy McFood antics. McPizza! McSpaghetti! That weird non-carbonated "Orange Drink" that tasted like pure sugar! ALL GONE. WE'RE GROWN UPS NOW, AND WE LIKE BISTRO SANDWICHES, AND FANCY COFFEE. MAAAAAN FUCK THAT. Bring back the fun!!! The thing that makes me even more sad... is that as opposed as I am to this McBistro stuff... THIS SANDWICH IS OFF THE CHAIN. SERIOUSLY. IT'S ACUTALLY SPICY, BUT SUPER FLAVORFUL. This should definitely be a full time menu item. The sauce is a delicious sweet and spicy thai sauce. The cucumbers are extremely fresh and crunchy, and those red pepper crisps are a crazy thing I've never even had before! The bun is whole wheat, but soooo soft. Like really... This sandwich is so well put together. The tastes are in perfect harmony. McDonalds should put this on the menu full time, and call it something cheesy like the McThailand. Then, they should get rid of the entire fucking McCafe bullshit, paint the benches teal, yellow, and white again, bring back fucking RONALD MCDONALD, AND HAVE SOME FUN AGAIN. STOP TRYING TO TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY MCDONALDS. YOUR MASCOT IS A CLOWN.
UPDATE: This was reviewed on the crispy platform. I just ate one with the grilled chicken piece, and it was wack. Kinda tasted fishy? I dunno, maybe one of the filipino cooks had just used the grill to cook up some shrimp for lunch or something, but regardless... get the crispy one for maximum taste.

Wendy's Premium Fish Fillet Sandwich
I don't care if it's premium, THIS SANDWICH IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND TASTES BLAND AND SUCKS ASS. The reason it makes me so upset too, is whenever they bring this limited time sandwich around, they always advertise it to bash the Filet-O-Fish. "Our Premium fish filet sandwich is made with 100% North Pacific Cod. Not like those other places, who don't tell you what kind of fish is going in your sandwich." BOO FUCKING HOO. WHO CARES WHAT KIND OF FISH IS GOING IN A DEEP FRIED FISH STICK. IT'S ALL WHITE FISH. AFTER IT GETS GOD DAMN BREADED, FRIED IN OIL, AND COVERED IN TARTAR SAUCE, YOU CAN'T TELL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE. YOU CAN'T PICK UP TWO FRIED FISH PATTIES AND BE LIKE, "OH YEP THIS ONES POLLOCK, AND THIS ONES FUCKING COD". Actually. I bet newfies could tell the difference. BUT THEY DON'T COUNT. Seriously. Who cares if there's ten different types of fish in your fucking filet. It's not like it's going to make you sick. You don't go to a sushi bar and hear the waitress say, "Oh u betta be carefur customer-san. U can onree eat 1 type of fish a dayu." DOESN'T HAPPEN. FUCK YOU WENDY'S. Just trying to make MORE PEOPLE PARANOID ABOUT THE FILET-O-FISH. It sucks too, because this sandwich doesn't even hold up the "premium" name. It tastes so fucking bland. The tartar sauce is not as tangy, and there's barely any on there. Instead of tasty cheese, they give you boring lettuce, and the filet doesn't even taste seasoned.  THIS SANDWICH SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. If anybody out there has tried this sandwich, AND the Filet-O-Fish, and thinks that this one is better... let me know... bitch I'll kill you and your little brother. 

Mary Browns Big Mary Sandwich & Taters
Here's somewhere I haven't done yet. Mary Browns Famous Chicken & Taters! This place has really fucking good fried chicken. Way better than KFC. The sandwich is really good too. It's a super thick and juicy fried chicken breast, atop shredded lettuce, covered in the creamiest mayo, and topped with a sesame seed bun. Also, they put a dill slice on the top of the sandwich, which gives that extra southern style taste. It really is an awesome sandwich. Nothing wrong with it. Seriously though, it's hard for the taters not to steal the show here. I'm serious when I say that, these are some of the best damn taters you will ever have. I dunno what type of light batter they use, but it give them this perfect crispy outside, and they stay a perfect texture. Actually, now that I think about it... I'm pretty sure it's the same batter they use for their fried chicken. GENIUS. I totally recommend getting a side of mayo for these taters. Makes them AMAZEBALLS. Also, if you want your sandwich to have some more kick, Mary Browns stocks Louisiana hot sauce in packets. Dump one of those on your sandwich and it takes it to A WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL. The only thing that sucks though, is that this place isn't as common as your KFC's. You might have to hunt one down, but it's worth it for sure. Also, they have HOT OPENFACED CHICKEN SANDWICHES HERE. Just like mom used to make with the leftover chicken from a roast the night before. YEAH. Chopped chicken pieced on a slice of soft texas toast, SMOTHERED IN CHICKEN GRAVY. AWWWWW YEAAAAAH. Go get one of those too.

Wendy's JBC and Chili Cheese Nachos
If you're a poor person, or a a hobolo, this is the combo for you. Both of these babies came off the VALUE MENU. These two items will ring you up under 4 bucks. CHUMP CHANGE. Hella tasty though. The JBC is a a true taste for value. $1.89 for beef, cheese, smoky bacon, fresh lettuce and tomato, creamy mayo, on a soft bun. SO CHEEEEEP. They're pretty damn good too. I still wish Wendy's would put mustard on their burgers but THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT ISSUE. MUSTARD IS AWESOME. WHY DO YOU IGNORE IT YOU REDHEADED FRECKLE FACE BITCH. IT BELONGS ON BURGERS... Ugh... Anyways. The Chili Cheese Nachos are delicious too. Gonna make you feel like a greaseball, but that's okay, YOU'RE POOR! YOU ARE A GREASEBALL! Eat this shit up. They use the same chili as, well... their chili. It's awesome. their cheese is just a cheese sauce. It's the same sauce they use on their cheesy cheddar burger, which is also on the value menu... SCORE! Apparently you're supposed to eat these nachos with your hands, but if you look at the picture, I dunno how the hell you're gonna eat that shit without a fork. Those nachos are SWIMMING IN CHEESE AND MEAT. IT'S GREAT. One thing though, is this might not fill you up. The value menus sandwiches are obviously pretty small. Nice thing is though, shits so cheap you can just get more. Unless you're actually poor, and you really only have 4 dollars. In that case, ask her for saltine crackers, THEY'RE FREE. PROTIP FOR BUMS. 

McDonalds Bacon McGriddle
There's only one way to describe this sandwich. DAT SHIT CRAY. Seriously. This is a mish-mosh of breakfast flavors all piled on top of eachother. The middle ingredients are pretty standard when it comes to breakfast sandwiches. You got your sausage or bacon, processed cheese, and egg. But all of a sudden SHIT GOES HAYWIRE WHEN YOU HIT THE BUN. IT'S FUCKING HOTCAKES. But these ain't yo mommaz hotcakes. THESE ARE FILLED WITH TINY POCKETS OF SYRUP, AND THEN HAVE THE GOLDEN ARCHES TOASTED INTO THE TOPS (^.^ super kawaiiii). Really though, those buns are BANANAS. not literally, but they're crazy shit. Honestly though, it's a really good sandwich. McDonalds is totally at the top of the game when it comes to breakfast choices. The Mcgriddle, your classic McMuffins, Breakfast burritos (THE BEST), and then your pancake breakfast. A&W is up there too though, because they have the closest you'll get to a homemade breakfast, but still cheap and good as hell. But the McGriddle is as far from classic as you can get. This is some intergalactic shit. It's not something most people could eat on a regular basis... EVEN ME. If you've got the balls to eat these constantly you're probably a space man, OR A FAT FUCK.

Quizno's Steakhouse Beef Dip
BEHOLD. THE KING OF SUB SHOPS. QUIZNOS. I'm telling you. Quizno's is the best fucking place to get a sub EVER. They're pretty much gourmet sandwiches. Every sandwich tastes like all the ingredients were thought out extremely well by scientists and chefs. SCIENCHEFS.  They're the people who create Quizno's sandwiches; and while I know a beef dip isn't the most complicated thing to make, THIS ONE IS THE BEST ONE. Their beef is juicy, covered in stringy mozzarella, peppercorn sauce, and finished with tasty sauteed onions. The bread is hella soft and perfectly toasted in their REAL OVEN, not a fucking shitty gay microwave like assholes SUBWAY over there (dicks). Once this gets out of the oven, the cheese is bubbling and smells so good. You grab some free peppers from the pepper bar and chuck'em in your sandwich basket and then you SIT DOWN AND EAT THIS. The Au Jus is herby, savory, and deliciously meaty. When it soaks into the bread and meat, it's the tastiest, juicest bite you'll have had. THIS SHIT'S JUICIER AND TASTIER THAN YO MOMMA. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH.

TacoTime Crisp Beef Burrito & Mexifries Deluxe
Arriba Arriba Muchachos! It's my first Taco Time review; and this meal made me happier than a beaner in a lowrider. Now, I'm sure you all know how much I love Taco Bell, but I also love Taco Time. I can't say that one is better than the other, because that simply isn't the case. They're 2 completely different styles of food. YES, they're both mexican... but Taco Time leans more towards the authentic style of Mexican fast food, whereas Taco Bell hangs out in the "american cheap sleazy" version of mexican food... BOTH COMPLETELY AWESOME. Onto the food though, I'm sure most of you haven't ever eaten the Crisp Beef Burrito. It's so underrated, and doesn't really get advertisements or nothing, but I'm telling you, that you NEED TO TRY ONE. It's a soft flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef and cheese, and as soon as you order it, they drop it into the fryer so it's hot and fresh as HELL when you get this thing. I'm serious. Be careful when you take your first bite. This shit is like mexican lava. CALIENTE! CALIENTE! Give it a minute to cool down. Also, you gotta wait a minute for them to fry it, because it's fresh. I know that's ALOT of waiting, but it's worth it. Make sure while you're waiting, you fill up a cup of Original Hot Sauce. Once it's ready to go, dip that skinny bitch in the hot sauce and chow down. IT'S SO GOOD. But it won't fill you up because it's a little guy, so you gotta DELUXE YOUR MEXIFRIES. AND DAMN THAT IS A GOOD DECISION. Mexifries are the bomb from the start. Fried tater-tots, WHATS UP!!? Now load it up with cool creamy sour cream, CHEEEESE SAUCE, SEASONED BEEEEEF, and some fresh Pico De Gallo(this shit is the bomb. if u aint know, google that shit chumpass). Now you've got a damn good meal. FUCKING BEEFY ALL OVER. PLUS TACO TIME HAS THE BEST BEEF SEASONING OUT THERE. SOOOO GOOOOOD. Go eat this now if you know what's good for you. If you don't, you'll wake up to a CHUPACABRA EATING YOUR FACE, BECAUSE YOU'RE A JACKASS.

Dairy Queen Double Cheeseburger
Cheap, sloppy, and tasty. That describes this burger perfectly. They're always cheap, and always a good choice. But there's a few things you gotta know. FIRST OF ALL. Those pickles are fucking amazing. Something about DQ's pickles make them hella crunchy, and hella good. SECOND OF ALL. This is another burger where everything is on top of the patties, and there's nothing but meat juice soaked into the bottom bun. In order to make this burger better, open the top bun, grab the patties and flip them over. Now there's ketchup and mustard on the top AND the bottom bun. Super smart. NOW THIRDLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY. When you order this shit, tell the cashier that you want these burgers NOT MICROWAVED. That's right. They slap these burgers together real fast, and chuck'em into an industrial microwave for about 8 seconds. Now that doesn't sound like much time, but in an INDUSTRIAL microwave, it is. The bun gets nice and warm, but the fucking cheese melts all over the wrapper, and it just doesn't taste right. Now, when you tell the cashier this, she'll probably look at you like, "UM WAT? WE DON'T MICROWAVE THE BURGERS? WHY U SAY DAT" She won't actually say that... but she'll look like that's what she's thinking. Basically, she doesn't want to walk all the way back to the kitchen and take the effort to tell somebody to make it properly. But make sure she does, or she's a stupid bitch... I have so much angst built up for these burger bitchez... JUST DO WHAT I SAY. I'M THE CUSTOMER AND YOU WORK FOR LIKE, 5 DOLLARS AN HOUR. GOD DAMN... Jesus... Okay so anyways, when you tell them not to microwave this, that forces them to cook the burgers a little longer in the broiler, and then the cheese melts naturally on top of the smoky flame broiled burger. The pickles stay crunchy, and the bun stays soft. I have a feeling alot of people don't like DQ because they're so used to eating their microwaved burgers. BUT YOU CAN FIX THIS. Just tell them how you want it! =) Same thing with Burger King. Tell them you want your burger "off the broiler", and they'll fresh grill your burgers ON THE SPOT. Now... I know this sounds like a little bit of work. You have to do 2 steps to make your burger perfect. But it's worth it, especially since cheeseburgers are 2 for 2.99, and doubles are 2 for 3.99. That's only 2 bucks for a double cheeseburger. Now I knooooooow a McDouble at McD's is only 1.39, but the burgers are way smaller than this. You eat 2 double cheeseburgers from DQ and you should be pretty full. PLUS, YOU CAN GET A BLIZZARD AT THE SAME TIME. AND THOSE ARE THE GREATEST THING EVER. GO GO GO GO GO GO.

A&W Chubby Chicken BLT
Damn right. A&W's finally sprucing up their menu, and they're adding things BY THE TRUCKLOAD. The Chubby chicken burger has now evolved into A TRIPLE TROUBLE. You've got your OG Chubby Chicken, the Chipotle Chubby Chicken, and THIS, the BLT Chubby Chicken. They've also made the Buddy Burgers a PERMANENT ITEM. AWWWW FUCKINGYEAAAAA. Those burgers are TIGHT. The Cheddar Bacon Uncle Burger is still dominating the world, and my heart, as THE BEST BURGER EVER. They've even started to change their fries! YEAH WHAT?!?! It's weird though... Some restaurants have the new fries, and some restaurants, like the one I went to for this meal, still has the old ones. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND MR. ARTHUR AND MR. WRIGHT!!! (that's what A and W stands for in A&W. See! You learned something new! My blog isn't COMPLETELY bullshit. =D ) ANYWAYS. This sandwich is pretty darn good. The chubby patty is perfectly seasoned juicy chicken breast, it's got fresh tomatoes, lettuce, mayo, and tasty tasty bacon, on their new ciabatta bun. The first thing you notice is the soft and chewy ciabatta bun. It's got alot more taste than a plain bun. Cheeseburgers work on a plain sesame bun just fine, because there's so much different flavors on a cheeseburger. There's not as many condiments on a chicken burger, so the addition of a fancy bun totally makes things good. This burger really does taste like a scrumptious ass BLT with juicy chicken in the middle. It works together SOOOO GOOD. My only complaint, is that it needed more mayo. As the only condiment on this sandwich, you need more than a small layer of creamy delicious MAYONNAAAAAAAAISE. I FUCKING LOVE MAYONNAISE. OH MAN. Maybe it's just me that needs extra mayo, because I love it so much. But you really can't go wrong getting a little extra. Trust me. Plus, mayo is like the glue that holds together a perfect BLT sandwich, so this sandwich runs by the same rules. DON'T BREAK THE RULES OF FAST FOOD, OR I'LL FIND YOU... I'LL BE FRIENDLY TO YOU... I'LL BUY YOU SOME FAST FOOD... And before you realize what's happened, YOU'LL BE ON THE FLOOR DYING BECAUSE I POISONED YOUR POP. YEAH... DON'T BREAK THOSE RULEZ FOOLZ.

Burger King Chicken Parmesan
The King knows what's up. This sandwich is DELICIOUS. It's pretty basic looking, and not the most fancy looking thing, but it kicks ass. BK just released 3 new variants of their Original Chicken Sandwich, and this is one of those. I'm sure I'll be checking out the other ones. This ones is so good though, OH MAN. Eating this sandwich makes you feel like Mario Batalli just punched you in the face, and you landed in the seat of an Italian restaurant in ROME. Nah... probably not. I've never been to Italy. I bet if BK exists in Italy, and they introduced this sandwich, people would set the place on fire, because it's a complete abomination of Italian food... But that doesn't change the fact that it's DAMN TASTY. Their classic Original Chicken piece, on mozzarella, topped with marinara sauce, and covered in shredded parm. CHEEZE LOVERZ UNITE! If you gave this to a mouse, he would go to school, learn english, and come find you so he could thank you, because nobody understands mousey. THAT'S THE TRUTH. So really... You better go try one of these. Also, they've got a deal on right now where if you buy one chicken sangwich, you get another FOR FREE. 
WHAT THE FUCK IS BETTER THAN FREE???
That's right. You gather up your gal, or your best friend, or your fucking dog, or a big appetite, and go get two of these babies. Don't go around dilly-dallyin and fucking around, because these sandwiches, and that deal, are LIMITED TIME ONLY NIGGUUUHHHHHHHHZ.

Arby's Arby-Q with Loaded Curly Fries
If you're from Calgary, you know all about the Stampede, because it's the best. Rodeos, free concerts, fireworks, carny-rides, and chicks without much clothing. But my faaaaavorite part of Calgary Stampede, is all that overpriced, artery clogging, greasy delicious food. BBQ beef on a bun is OFF THE CHAIN. Beef soaked in hickory BBQ sauce, dumped into a bun, makes for some tasty ass shit.Too bad you can only get it one month of the year. OH WAIT BITCH... YOU MEAN ARBY'S HAS THIS SHIT YEAR ROUND? AND IT'S CALLED AN ARBY-Q? THATS A CLEVER ASS NAME FOR A SANDWICH SO SIMPLE AND YUMTASTIC. FUCKIN LOVE ARBY'S. This is exactly what you expect. Some delicious roast beef soaked in BBQ sauce and put on a soft sesame bun. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? BUT WAIT, there's more. EVERYBODY KNOWS how awesome Arby's curly fries are. If you don't like them, you're a certified fuckface. Crispy, curly, seasoned potato heaven, make you wanna eat a boatload. But sweet jesus... Arby's has them LOADED with sour cream, cheddar sauce, and BACON. MY MIND IS BLASTED. THIS TASTES SO GOOD. It's not exactly a health conscious meal, but WHO CARES. This meal might make you lose weight anyways though because the sheer overload of tasty flavor will cause your TONGUE TO FALL OFF AND MAKE YOU SHIT YOURSELF. That's like 2 pounds you'll lose instantly. I'M THINKIN' ARBY'S.  

Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sub

Look at this delicious sandwich... YEAH JUST KIDDING FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT GARBAGE ASS EXCUSE FOR FOOD. Every time I eat Subway, it's one of those last resort situations where it's the only thing around, and everything else is a lightyear away. It sucks too, because even though it's YOU telling them how to make your sub, and you're as specific as possible, THEY STILL FUCK IT UP... So this time I decided to go there for the sake of a review. I wanted to order like a normal person would order, instead of guiding the "Sandwich artist" like a little baby, and telling them "Lightly toasted please... No, take it out at halftime... HALF THE FUCKING TIME. A little lettuce please... NO, A LITTLE, NOT A LOT. FUCK." Yep. This time, I wanted to order a really common flavor, let her toast it until she sees fit, let her decide how much toppings the sub needed, and order a footlong, because everybody in line always does. "One footlong SOCT on Italian please! OK U VANNA TOASTED WITH VITE CHEES? Sure." She proceeds to put cardboard trays of chicken in one microwave, and the bread in a bigger microwave, YUM! Bread comes out, and I can already see the edges look like toasty razor blades. She pulls out the chicken and plops it onto the bread "LETTUCE TOMATO? Sure!" She then proceeds to grab A POUND OF FUCKING LETTUCE, and the most unripe tomato slices and puts them on top. "U VANT ANY OTHER TOPPING? Yes, black olives, and pickles. VAT SAUCE U WANT? Um, Sweet Onion(shouldn't that be a given on this sub), and Southwest Chipotle(I admit, that sauce is damn delicious)." She squirts the sauce on, crushes down all the fucking lettuce so she can close this bitch, and hands it over. NEAT. I pay, get my drink and cookies, and head to my van to chowdown. First thing I notice, and can never get past, is that their chicken has the firmness of jello; NOT THE TEXTURE YOU EXPECT FROM MEAT. Besides the texture though, I admit it doesn't taste horrible, but there is lettuce FUCKING EVERYWHERE. My eatspace looks like hurricane Katrina just ripped through a goddamn cabbage patch. Oh well. One half finished, and I'm doing alright. I start eating the second half, and I'm almost done, when I get this horrible feeling in my stomach. TOO MUCH CHUBWAY. AND OF COURSE, I get down the end of the sub, and it's a fucking write-off, because it's too goddamn toasted and dried out. BREAD CRUMBS FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Whatever though. I'm sure this is all falling on deaf ears, because apparently everybody wants to suck Jared's dick. There's more Subways than McDonalds in the world now. YOU ALL HAVE BAD TASTE, FUCKERS. Quiznos is better ANY DAY. The only good thing about Subway is their cookies, and Southwest Chipotle sauce. Also, it's pretty cheap if you're a poor ass dickbutt. FUCK YOU SUBWAY, PEACE.

CB Hamburger Inn's Cheeseburger & Fries
Alright, so I didn't take a picture of my food like I usually do. You know why? BECAUSE I COULDN'T WAIT THE 30 SECONDS TO TAKE THE PICTURE. I NEEDED THIS IN MY BELLY A-S-A-FRIGGIN-P. So I "stole" this picture from the google. SO WHAT SUE ME. I just can't help myself. There are so many times I don't bother taking a picture of what I'm gonna eat, because food makes me crazy, and I can't tame myself long enough to snap a photo. I couldn't tame myself for CB's either, but because I don't get there often, I had to do a review sans image(that was french). SO YOU'LL HAVE TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION. Ready? Okay! Imagine a soft sesame seed bun, housing a homemade all beef patty, covered in tangy bbq sauce, onions, and relish, and processed cheese. I don't know what happens, but, BBQSAUCE+ONION+RELISH=FUCKYEAH(that was a math equation). Plus, their fries are the BOSS. Crinkle fries, deep fried perfectly, so they are extra crispy on the outside, but still moist inside, and seasoned with some Lawry's salt to set it off. So fucking good. This entire combo kills it. I normally only review franchises, because everybody can check them out, but this is too good to pass up. Most people who read this live in Calgary anyways, because you're all my friends, and I don't have friends anywhere else. Wait, I don't have friends. WHO THE FUCK EVEN READS THIS SHIT LOL. STILL THOUGH, if you are reading this... There is only 1 CB's. It's in the Northmount area, and really out of my fucking way. But it's worth going there for sure. CB's is like it's a TASTYVILLAGE. SO TAKE A TRIP TO TASTYVILLAGE, EVEN IF IT IS FAR FAR AWAY. Get the Cheeseburger & Fries, and you won't regret it. If you do regret it, you're an idiot, and your tongue is broken. ALSO THIS PLACE IS LOCAL. SUPPORT THIS SHIT.

Wendy's Poutine + Cheeseburger
Okay so I realize it's been like, 2 weeks since my last post. I've had a few people tell me to make a new post already. To those loyal fans I say, "FUCK YOU, PAY ME". Plus, what the hell do you expect from a guy who eats fast food almost every day. I'm kinda fuckin lazy. Plus, I'm busy. This isn't exactly my day job. I WISH. Damn... Anyways. Wendy's recently added a Poutine to their menu. I guess this makes McDonalds the only burger joint without a Poo-tin on their menu. A&W, KFC, Burger King, Harvey's, and now Wendy's have it. STUPID MCDONALDS. Well... Maybe not though. Maybe they realize that it probably wouldn't be very good. Something that Wendy's should've figured out. Yep... Not that good in my opinion; BUT THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. I run this fuckin place, not you. It all comes down to the gravy. I mean, their fries are FUCKING GREAT since they've changed them, and you can't screw up cheese curds, but their gravy is a really dark "beef" gravy, but it tastes like cloves or something. This really strong musty flavor leaks onto your tastebuds when you eat this shit. I imagine this is what it would taste like if you went and drank your dad's shitty old MUSK cologne. Not very appetizing. Old women probably like this poutine, because they also like Musk. That's why your mom is bangin' your dad. Also because they're married or some shit. Whatever... Maybe it suits your taste, but not mine. Also, look at all that fucking gravy. I don't think people at Wendy's completely understand how a poutine works. The curds go on the hot fries, and then they hot gravy get's poured over the curds, and you put a lid on it, and the curds melt into the perfect texture. This bitch hands over the poutine with like, half a teaspoon of gravy on that shit. PLEASE TELL ME HOW THIS IS GOING TO MELT MY CURD. So I look at her, and I'm like "Excuse me, but could I get a little more gravy?" Sounding all polite. "Yeah ok" she says, and proceeds to dump a goddamn litre of gravy on my fries. You can't really see it, but by the time I got to the bottom of the tray, it was like soup. Gross... Disappointing too, because their fries are so damn good, but they dropped the ball on the gravy. I mean, you might as well try it anyways, because it might float your boat, but I think it sucks dong. They added Chili Cheese Fries as well, and those are pretty damn good; so you could always do that. Also, the cheeseburger was pretty good. They have some fresh ass ingredients lately. I did this review mostly for the poutine, but their burgers are way better than they used to be. Wendy's is doing some good shit lately, so I don't know why this poutine is such a garbage ass piece of crap. Maybe it's just my tastebuds though. If anybody has had this, or tries it, and doesn't agree with me, let me know in the comments below. I kind of wonder sometimes if I just have bad tastebuds...

McDonalds Breakfast Burrito's
HOT DAMN AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.What better way to start a new year, and cure your hangover, than with DELICIOUS BREAKFAST. It so happens that I'm about to talk about the MOST DELICIOUS BREAKFAST YOU CAN BUY AT A FAST FOOD JOINT. Yes, the breakfast burrito is so goddamn tasty, it's like your tastebuds are wearing party hats. You've got scrambled eggs on a soft flour tortilla plastered with good old processed cheese, some spicy sausage, and green and red peppers, then you OPEN THAT SHIT UP, and put a packet of McSalsa in each burrito, because that just SETS IT OFF. Mind you, nothing in here is really spicy at all, because this burrito is from McDonalds, not McPedros, but it's still tasty as hell. Way more flavor than most boring breakfast items. Sometimes I like to get extra salsa, and put it on my hashbrown too, because that's SMART and GOOD FOR YOU. If you're planning to take a trip to tasty town, you have to start your day off with something, and that's a tasty ass breakfast. This is the one for you. Does it get any better, you ask? Well yes... Because the combo COMES WITH TWO BURRITOS. I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND. That's right. So eat this, or you'll EAT MY DUST ON THE FLAVOR HIGHWAY, BECAUSE I'M CRUISING THAT SHIT LIKE A GODDAMN TASTY FREIGHT TRAIN. CHOOO CHOOO.