McDonald's Filet-O-Fish
Mmmmm, that's right. The infamous Filet-O-Fish. This thing gets such a bad name by everybody who HASN'T EATEN ONE. The first thing people say when I ask why they don't want to try one is, "Do you really trust fish from McDonalds?!" Uh... YEAH, I DIDDLY-DO. It's a goddamn brick of whitefish, that gets breaded and flash frozen, and then deep fried in scalding hot oil. None of the imaginary fish germs that you're imagining could even survive those extreme temperatures. So if you'll push aside your scepticism, and check this baby out, you'll be happy. Mind you, if you don't like fish sticks and tartar sauce, than don't bother, because this is not the sandwich for you. Kanye West likes fishsticks, and he's not even a gay fish, he's a lyrical genius! I bet he loves this sandwich, and you should too (if you don't get the South Park reference, you're a homo). To set things off, McDonalds cooks the bun unlike any other bun. They steam it! It gives it this soft fresh texture that totally kicks ass. Then they put on some tangy tartar sauce, some breaded fish, and a half slice of cheese (yeah what the fuck, a half slice, I dunno why but whatever)... So you bite into this sandwich, and it TASTES SO GOOD. It's definitely the most different thing on their menu, but it's such a classic. That's why it's been around forever. Try one out if you haven't yet. Word of advice though, don't get the Double Filet-O-Fish... I don't  know who's stupid idea that was, but two fish patties on a single burger is a little overkill. ALSO, make sure you eat this fresh. If you get it to go, and wait until you get home to eat it, you lose the warm steamed bun texture, and cold fish sucks when it's not sushi. ALSO ALSO, if I hear someone tell me that they don't trust the Filet-O-Fish again, I'M GONNA FORCE FEED YOU FILET-O-FISHES UNTIL YOU GET SICK. THEN YOU'LL HAVE A GODDAMN REASON NOT TO LIKE THEM.

Arby's Roast Chicken Club
So, I gotta say I was pretty let down on this visit to Arby's. I usually love Arby's, and it sucks that my first review of them is going to be so lame, just like this sandwich. It was so dry and bland tasting, and the curly fries were old. NOT YOUR FINEST HOUR ARBY'S. Dicks... I know that the curly fries are usually the bomb, but today they just had old ones and it sucked. Also I don't think the sandwich was old, but just not an awesome combo of flavors. The swiss cheese doesn't have enough bite to it. Put that on top of some bland tasting chicken, and use only ranch sauce, and you have A BORING SANDWICH. Yep... Like, put some mustard or something on here. And put some more ranch. Like, do you see that tiny spot of ranch up there? ^^^ Fuckin cheap jews... But seriously don't let this one bad experience stray you from gracing Arby's doorway. Their Market Fresh Sandwiches are so flippin delicious, and they taste like it was made in an expensive deli. Also, I'm pretty sure everybody knows their curly fries are the best thing ever... just make sure their fresh. One more thing you HAVE to try from Arby's, is their loaded potato bites. Nobody really knows about them, and I don't know why. It's like, a potato popper filled with bacon and cheese and shit, and they taste like you're eating a little deep fried baked potatoes with all the fixins. Dip it in ranch and BAM. Best snack ever.

Wendy's Mozzarella Chicken Burger
It's aight.

Quizno's Chipotle Chicken Sandwich
Quizno's rules. Quizno's toasts this shit in a real oven, not some fucking convection microwave at Subway that turns bread into hard bullshit. Their ingredients are so quality, they've got those delicious pepperoncini's FOR FREE. They're toasted, perfectly, with delicious sauces, and their meats, are so... fucking... juicy. This Chipotle Chicken is no exception. Tender strips of chicken breast, wonderfully smoky chipotle sauce, melted cheese, and tasty real bacon make this thing a sensation. The other thing I love about quizno's, is that that their subs have actual recipes, so you go in and say, CHIPOTLE CHICKEN and you don't stand there and pick the sauces and veg. I'm not a goddamn chef. I don't always know what kind of sauces go best with meats. YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK SHOULD TASTE GOOD. They even have sauteed onions and mushrooms. Those things BELONG on a steak sub. You can make your own subs too if you so desire, but just trust them, cause they'll make you a good sub. If you like beef-dip, they have the greatest. Real beef au jus, and real fuckin prime rib. omg... delish.  Subway pisses me off too, like fuck. Don't toast my sandwich until it's on fire. Even when I say, HALF THE TIME, the fucking retard "sandwich artists" don't understand you can open a microwave without it beeping. I TOLD YOU HALF THE FUCKING TIME YOU FUCKAN DUMPASS. NOW, BY THE TIME I GET TO THE END OF MY SUB, IT'S LIKE THE SAHARA DESERT AND IT'S FALLING APART AND CUTTING MY MOUTH. Holy shit. Also, I hate how they advertise new subs and they're all "THIS IS OUR NEW ZESTY BAJA STEAK AND CHEESE SUB" and then you go there, and you ask for one, and they' say "you want cheese on this?" I DUNNO ALADDIN DOES CHEESE COME ON A STEAK AND CHEESE? DID I ASK FOR A STEAK AND CHEESE? FUCK. Then they ask you what kind of sauce you want on the sub? WELL IF I ASK FOR ANY SAUCE OTHER THAN THE ZESTY BAJA, THEN IT WON'T BE A ZESTY BAJA SUB YOU FUCKING RETARDS. Like, could you not just tell me "this comes with the baja sauce and monterey jack cheese, is that alright sir"? LIKE, WHY SHOULD I KNOW THE INGREDIENTS THAT COME ON THIS SPECIALTY SUB? I DON'T WORK HERE... Okay holy did I ever get carried away there. That's just how much I hate Subway. Every sub-shop is way better. Especially Quizno's. So go there people. Get whatever you want because it's all delicious.

A&W Cheddar Bacon Uncle Burger
Folks, what you see in front of you is your lord and savior. The holy grail. The father, son, and the holy ghost. The higher being that is, UNCLE BURGER. Yeah. This is the best fucking hamburger you can get. Not just better than all fast food, but better than gourmet restaurants, and better than homemade. This burger has so much flavor, you may form an addiction. This starts on the bottom bun with ketchup, mild dijon mustard, thick crinkle cut dills, and red onion. "Dijon mustard on a fast food burger?" you're thinking? YEP. IT'S DAMN CLASSY. Then, on top of them is a THICK, JUICY, perfectly cooked sirloin patty. "Wait does he mean sirloin steak, the most flavorful cut on a cow?" YEP. IT'S DAMN TASTY. This ain't no "angus" bullshit like McDonalds. Have you ever heard of an Angus cut of steak? NOPE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST. Angus is a breed of cow, so an "Angus" burger doesn't specify it has anything to do with steak. It's just a big ground beef patty. The Uncle burger has a SIRLOIN patty. REAL GROUND STEAK. ANYWAYS, Atop this juicy patty is a slice of REAL cheddar. No processed stuff here. Then some thick crispy bacon... Fuck. Is your mouth watering yet, because mine is, and I want another one of these. Omg. ANYWAYS... On top of that, you've got two slices of tomato, iceberg lettuce, and some creamy mayo, all held together by a perfectly toasted bun. It's toasty tasting, but still soooo soft. SO. If you want to feel what it's like to go to burger heaven, EAT THIS. If you want to take a trip of TASTY WORLD, starting in TASTYTOWN, driving to YUM-CITY, sailing to DELICIOUS ISLAND, climbing MT. MOUTHWATER, worshipping UNCLE JESUS BURGER, and then flying back to Tastytown, THAN EAT THIS BURGER. If you don't like this burger, I guarantee you, that you are a fuckface. I don't think anybody can find me a better burger...

Pizza Hut Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza
If you've ever wanted to eat pigs in a blanket, directly after a slice of pizza, than this is the meal for you. If you aren't an idiot, than don't bother. It's honestly 100% mediocre. It doesn't taste bad or anything, but the tastes don't really incorporate with each other. It feels like you're eating two completely different meals. I mean, if they would've used hot dogs as a topping, than it would've worked out, BUT THEY DIDN'T. I mean, you can put mustard on it to give the pizza that hotdoggy feel, but it doesn't make a difference anyways. Plus, if you're smart you would've already figured out that YELLOW MUSTARD ON YOUR PIZZA IS A PARTY. IT TASTES SO GOOD. HOT DOG STUFFED CRUST PIZZA DOES NOT. It's like... Okay. It made me wish I was eating a regular cheese stuffed crust pizza, because those are fucking FLAVOR CITY. It made me want one so bad, that I ordered one today and it was amazing. So... if you want to be coaxed into ordering a second pizza to satisfy your tongue, order this. Or, if you're like me, and just have to try it for yourself because it's new and ridiculous, then also try it. Do it fast because LIMITED TIME ONLY NIGGUHZ. If the previous was neither of you though, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. ORDER A CHEESY STUFFED CRUST PIZZA WITH EXTRA CHEESE, PEPPERONI, AND COVER IT IN YELLOW MUSTARD. YOU SHAN'T BE DISAPPOINTED. =)

Burger King Whiplash Whopper
This is a tasty tasty burger. Spicy pep-jack chz. Some spicy orange whatever sauce, and some spicy crispy onions. Totally yum-dawg. Whoppers are usually pretty damn satisfying though cause they're big, and heavy. Floppy and Juicy. Dripping with mayo... Oh god it's getting steamy in here... I love burger king... especially when they make things spicy. BUT. I have one complaint about this sandwich, and pretty much every one they make. THEY NEVER PUT ANYTHING ON THE BOTTOM BUN and way they cook the meat, combined with how soft their buns are, makes the butt-bun a floppy meat sog-bread crap ass thing. Paired with the fact that they usually throw them together like assholes, especially on Whopper Wednesdays. The lettuce is always giant white hunks, the tomatoes aren't ripe yet, there's like a litre of ketchup, and it's been sitting under a lamp forevz. ADVICE: IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD A WHOPPER AND WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT IT TASTES LIKE, DON'T GO ON HUMP DAY. YOU'LL GET HUMPED OVER. Yeah it's a little cheaper, but you can tell. Fortunately, the test subject I've reviewed, as you can see from the above picture, has perfect tomato slices, proper lettuce, and perfectly distributed sauce. I AM QUITE IMPRESSED WITH THIS SAMMICH. If you like Whoppers, and you like spicy, get this Whiplash Whoppa. It's better than the Angry Whopper. LIMITED TIME ONLY NIGGUHZ. NIGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUHZ.

Nathan's Famous Chzbrgr & Bacon Ranch Fries
Contrary to the way the title makes it sound, Nathan's Famous, is not famous for their cheeseburger and bacon ranch fries. Rather, they're name is Nathan's Famous, and they're actually famous for their hot-dogs. Their burger though, not so good... It's great quality food, but just sort of bland tasting. BUT DON'T LET THAT STOP YOU FROM GOING HERE. You literally should go here just for the Bacon Ranch Fries. They are amazing. They cook these thick crinkle cut potatoes absolutely perfectly. They're crispy outside but soft inside, and the bacon ranch combo makes them deliciaroni. Better than poutine IMO, AND THAT'S NANNERS CAUSE POUTINE IS FUCKIN DEADLY. Seriously get these. Also, their hot dogs are kickass, cause you can get them loaded with tonnes of shit. I've had their philly cheese which is also fucking tasty. This place has so much variety. They have a fish and chip shop, which is good, and they even have FUNNEL CAKES. YEAH. WITHOUT HAVING TO GO TO THE FAIR AND GIVE MONEY TO DIRTY GYPSY CARNIES. This place is so friggin sweet, and their bacon ranch fries are king shit. Just don't get the cheeseburger, cause it's like... it's okay. Nobody wants to go eat an OK burger. Also, this franchise is huge in the states, but just moved to Canada recently. If you're in Calgary, they have one in Airdrie, and for a much closer convenient location to the city, THERE'S ONE IN CROSSIRON MILLS. YEAH WHAT THE FUCK. Both locations open up in buttfuck towns just north of Calgary. Whatever. It's like 15 mins to get there. GO GET THESE BACON RANCH FRIES AND OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE PRIZE. Hell yeah that rhymed. That's how you know it's true. NOW GIT GOIN.

Wendy's Bacon Portabella Mushroom Melt
Holy fuck is that a long name. Barely fits on the page. Luckily you could describe this burger in only three words... Savory, creamy, deliciousy. YEAH. DELICIOUSY. IT'S A WORD NOW. Serious, this burger is legit. I wasn't expecting it honestly, as their last attempts at mushroom melts were more like a wet sponge soaked in campbells soup. Wendy's has slowly turned into one of my favorite burger joints. They've improved their bacon from floppy undercooked bullshit, to this thick, crispy yet tender slice of pork paradise. They made their patties thicker, and started using better veggie ingredients. They also changed their fries from those god awful tasteless undercooked potato sticks, to the best fast food fries out there in my opinion. Those fries combined with this bomb-ass burger, make this combo A ROUND TRIP TO TASTY-TOWN. IT'S AWESOME. This thing beats the hell out of DQ's Mushroom Swiss. I know there's alot of people out there who don't like mushrooms, so for you people, don't buy this. It's not wendy's fault you've got the taste of a 6 year old, or are half retarded. LEARN TO LIKE MUSHROOMS BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BEST. For everybody else out there, go eat this. ALSO FYI. For anybody who enjoyed that Wendy's offered Fresca on tap, like me, YOU WILL BE SADLY LET DOWN. They fucked up, and replaced it with orange pop. =( damn son.

KFC Chicken Bowl
Yeah it's good, whatever. It's fuckin mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, popcorn chicken, and melted cheese in a bowl, whatever. You can't fuck that up. But I didn't even come here to review this stupid chicken bowl. I came to ask WHY THE FUCK does KFC call their value menu the $TREET WI$E menu? What the fuck does chicken have to do with the $treets? Anyone who refers to themself as "street wise" usually includes it in a sentence that goes, "yo dawg fuck skool, i aint do dat shit, but i'm not dumb 'cause i'm STREET WISE." The worst part though, is that the logo is this flashy gold with $'s for S's. What are you trying to say here KFC? People who order from the cheap menu are poor, but $treet wi$e? OR do you want it to be more like "Yo, just cuz I ball hard don't mean I can't save some dollaz on my fried chicken." Like, was that the prerequisite to join NWA? Dre was like "Yeah I buy my chicken at KFC..." Eazy-E's like, "Yo this niggaz got dope beats... AND HE'S $TREET WI$E ABOUT FOOD? WELCOME ABOARD." Who the fuck even approved that name? Sure as fuck wasn't Colonel Sanders. Was there an entire board room meeting and everyone was like, "YEAH SURE." Were there no other ideas? What about WALLET WI$E? I think that's waaaaay fuckin' better. That took me like 2 seconds to think of too. KFC should put me in charge... First task, change the name of the poor menu. Second  task... Make the Double Down a PERMANENT menu item, because that shit is OFF THE CHAIN.