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A&W Bacon N' Egger
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY. ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. THAT'S NOT A JOKE. CRAZY RIGHT? KNOW WHAT ELSE IS CRAZY? I'M GONNA DO THIS ENTIRE REVIEW IN CAPS LOCK. BOLD FACE CAPS LOCK. TAKE THAT HATERS! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN'T HATE THOUGH? THE BACON N' EGGER. THE BEST PART ABOUT IT, IS THAT IT DOESN'T TRY HARD TO BE SPECIAL. THERE'S NO SPECIAL BUN. THEY JUST USE THE O.G. SESAME SEED BUN THAT THEY USE FOR THEIR BURGERS... AND IT WORKS SO GOOD. THESE BUNS ARE ALWAYS FRESH AS HELL, AND THEY TOAST OH SO NICELY. THERE'S A SLIGHT COATING OF BUTTER ON EACH HALF, AND THE SESAME SEEDS ADD A NICE TEXTURE TO THIS SOFT BREAD CONTRAPTION. THE EGG, AS YOU CAN SEE, IS JUST A REGULAR EGG. IT'S FRIED ON THE GRIDDLE, SO YOU GET LITTLE CRISPY EGG PIECES AROUND THE EDGES, AND A NICE YELLOW YOLK IN THE MIDDLE. THE BACON IS COOKED PERFECTLY, AND HAS A NICE CHEW TO IT. THE CHEESE IS SO MELTY, I FUCKING LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT. IT'S REALLY ONE OF THE GOODEST BREAKFAST SANDWICHES YOU CAN GET. I ALWAYS GET TWO. ALSO, A&W FINALLY CHANGED THEIR COFFEE, FROM THEIR GARBAGE SEWAGE HOUSE BRAND, TO A MILDER VAN HOUTTE BREAKFAST BLEND. IT'S REALLY TOP NOTCH. A&W IS PRETTY AWESOME ALL THE WAY AROUND. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BACON. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY I CAN CRY IF I WANT TO. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. IS THE CAPS LOCK ANNOYING YET? IS IT ANNOYING YET? IS IT ANNOYING YET?IT'S LIKE I'M CONSTANTLY YELLING. GO FUCK YOURSELF SAN DIEGO.

McDonald's CBO
McDonad's is making some bold statements in their ads for this sandwich. "Your new favorite" they say. "A legend in the making" claims their website. LISTEN FUCKERS. Don't go telling people what's going to be their new favorite sandwich. You think some MEDIOCRE chicken sandwich is going to replace the spot in peoples hearts of the LEGENDARY BIG MAC or the savory meaty sandwich that is the QUARTER POUNDER? IT WON'T. CBO stands for Chicken Bacon Onion... but It should stand for Chicken Boring OK. That wasn't very clever really... But you understand what I'm saying. You're following me. You're picking up what I'm laying down. You're catching my drift. You see what I mean. You're getting the picture. You're smelling what I'm stepping in. You're reading what I'm writing. CHICKEN BORING... OK? IT'S NOTHING SPECIAL. THE MCCHICKEN IS BETTER. BRING BACK MCPIZZA.

Tim Horton's Philly Cheesesteak Panini & Warm Kettle Chips
I wasn't expecting too much from this. Steak from a place that has no proper cooking equipment.... EHHHHH. But I was pleasantly surprised. The thin steak strips are mixed with peppers, onions, a coarse mustard, and cheddar cheese, and then put onto a REAL panini press. Yep. So although the steak is originally cooked in a microwave or something... The panini press adds real grill marks, and heats the sandwich evenly throughout. No dried ends from a goofy convection oven. The sandwich is awesome, and I definitely recommend it. BUT YOU DON'T GET OFF THAT EASY TIMMIES... WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CHIPS SUPPOSED TO BE? YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO CAMPING, AND YOU LEAVE A BAG OF CHIPS OUT ON THE PICNIC TABLE AND IT SITS THERE IN THE MORNING SUN... YOU WAKE UP WITH A HANGOVER AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO EAT ANYTHING AROUND... SO YOU PICK UP THE CHIPS THAT ARE WARM FROM THE SUN AND YOU EAT THEM AND THEY TASTE STALE AND THEY'RE GROSSLY WARM, AND THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE EATING THEM IS FOR SOME SORT OF SUSTINENCE? THIS IS WHAT THESE CHIPS ARE LIKE. THEY'RE FUCKING MICROWAVED PLAIN CHIPS, AND THEY TASTE EXACTLY LIKE THAT. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY TIM. THEY DON'T TASTE LIKE THEY WERE JUST CUT, AND FRIED FRESH IN THE BACK. THEY TASTE LIKE YOU OPENED UP SOME PLAIN MISS VICKIES CHIPS, NUKED AND..... I MEAN FOR FUCK SAKES GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THEY ARE AWFUL. You guys have merged with Burger King recently.... I'm sure they have some spare deep fryers to throw your way because YOU NEED THEM YOU STUPID SHIT. YOUR HASHBROWNS ARE AWFUL TOO. YOU CAN'T JUST MICROWAVE ALREADY FRIED POTATO PRODUCT. WHY MUST YOU BUILD ME UP, JUST TO KNOCK ME DOWN. THIS WAS ALMOST A PERFECT LUNCH.

Triple O's Original Cheeseburger

I swear I used to like Triple-O burgers! I'm not sure if something was changed, but somebody needs to call the texture police because this entire sandwich is SOFTER THAN DRAKE. Not possible you say? LET ME EXPLAIN. First off, we start with the meat. I'm not sure if it's ground very fine from the factory, but it has a very SOFT texture. The cheese slice is a SOFT processed cheese slice. Next, the tomato is just a tomato, SOFT as fuck as usual. The lettuce would be your final chance to add some crunch here, but instead of whole leaves, it's shredded lettuce, which again, is SOFT. The bun is a nice SOFT fresh baked bun, but since it's lacking sesame seeds, it AGAIN has not much texture. EVERY INGREDIENT I LISTED ON THIS BURGER IS SOFT, AND WHEN YOU PUT IT ALL TOGETHER, IT'S LIKE BITING INTO A BURGER FLAVORED GIANT MARSHMALLOW. I'm serious. This burger was lacking in texture so much that I didn't even finish it. ME... FAST FOOD JOSH... DID NOT FINISH THIS BURGER. THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I'M FAST FOOD JOSH. I FUCKING FINISH BURGERS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Carl's Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburger

Often imitated but never duplicated, the Western Bacon Cheeseburger is a delicious CHAMPION. It's so damn good. I'm sure you've had other burgers that have BBQ sauce and onion rings on them... But they're usually on the value menu or something, and they never taste that good. THIS sandwich though, is fucktastic in a great way. I'm pretty sure Carl's Jr. are the original creators of this type of burger, and it shows through like the nips of a braless hippie lady wearing an organic hemp t-shirt on a cool spring morning. Yes... it's QUITE EASY TO SEE that Carl's Jr. KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE DOING with the Western Bacon Cheeseburger. The BBQ sauce is a bit sweet, but very smokey, and it compliments the sandwich so well. It seeps into the breading of the onion rings, yet they still keep their crunchy texture. The onions themselves are succulent, and the cheese and bacon just adds a richness that ties the whole sandwich together. Yes... Carl will once again, leave you completely satisfied in bed. I mean, only if you're eating your burger in bed. Oh Carl... I love you!

McDonalds Bacon Ranch Junior Chicken & Double Cheeseburger
Hey everybody, looks like you're in luck today! I'm not only reviewing one sandwich, but I'm reviewing two sandwiches at the same time! I hope that's okay with you?! Actually, it's my blog, so I can do whatever I want! WHO are YOU to say that I can't write whatever I WANT on MY BLOG? Do you think I even care about your opinion anyways? WHY SHOULD I? I'M THE ONE WHO DOES ALL THE HARD WORK AROUND HERE WRITING THESE BLOGS.... IF I WANT TO PUT TWO BURGERS IN ONE POST, THAN GOD DAMMIT I'M GONNA DO THAT. YOU CAN'T STOP ME. YOU DON'T PAY THE INTERNET BILLS AROUND HERE! MAYBE I'LL JUST TYPE IN BOLDFACE FROM NOW ON. YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU THINK THAT'S A PROBLEM. MAYBE NEXT TIME I'LL REVIEW THREE BURGERS AT ONCE AND THEN POST IT ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WEBSITE. MAYBE I'LL JUST START REVIEWING CAT PAJAMAS AND I WON'T EVEN CHANGE THE NAME OF MY BLOG. YOU'LL OPEN UP FAST FOOD JOSH AND THERE'LL BE FUCKING CAT PAJAMAS EVERYWHERE. IS MY BLOG MALFUNCTIONING? NO!!! GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Carl's Jr. Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich

This breakfast sandwich is, hands down, THE GREATEST. FUCKING. BREAKFAST. SANDWICH. EVER. People say "Good Morning" all the time because apparently it's a common phrase. I SAY NO MORE! You have not had a "Good Morning" until you've had this magical foodstuff. If your morning doesn't start with a Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich from Carl's Jr.... THEN YOU'RE MORNING IS BAD. IT'S A BAD MORNING. WELCOME TO YOUR SAD EXISTENCE. Except me. I had a good morning, oh lordy did I ever. Imagine biting into this sandwich for a minute with me. The sourdough bread is perfectly toasted, yet still has a lovely softness to it. It's lightly buttered, and houses a scrambled egg, and your choice of ham, bacon, or sausage. Oh... and what else is in there? Cheese? TWO SLICES OF CHEESE? A SLICE OF CHEDDAR AND A SLICE OF SWISS? YES. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IS ALSO BETWEEN THESE SOURDOUGHS.............. Did you just imagine that inside of your brain? Did you just wet your pants? Wow. That good huh... When you take a breakfast sandwich and place it in sourdough, you are bringing it to the next level. But when you include two slices of different cheese as well, YOU ARE GOING TO THE MOON FOREVER. I highly suggest that ALL fast food restaurants adopt the sourdough option. It transforms the sandwich. Jack In The Box has a sourdough burger and it's DELIGHTFUL. Could you imagine a sourdough Big Mac? I can. I think I'm getting a tad too excited here. Regardless. If you can make it to a Carl's Jr. in the morning please do. But I would avoid their hashbrowns. They're those small little circle ones just like BK's. And they suck, just like BK's. Just get their awesome fries instead. Or maybe even... TWO SOURDOUGH SANDWICHES. omg...

BK Whopper Chz & Buffalo Chicken Strips
Everybody needs to eat more Whoppers, because you will have a happier life. SHORTER, but HAPPIER. It's HUGE. Not like, tall from toppings. IT HAS A BIG CIRCUMFERENCE. IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BITE INTO A TRUCK TIRE, WHICH IS SO. DAMNED. SATISFYING. You always have to re-arrange this burger too, because all the veggies are chucked into the center and the mayo and ketchup is just slopped on top. But that's the beauty of it. It's a big sloppy dirty mess, but it tastes delicious. It's like eating your fat drunk uncle Rick.... except he tastes LIKE A DELICIOUS FLAME BROILED WHOPPER. The best part is that because it's so wide, the Whopper needs 2 cheese slices, because one is too small for this sexy babe. WHOPPERS: FUCK YEAH.
Okay... Onto the Buffalo Chicken Strips... GO FUCK YOURSELF. YOU RUINED MY EXPERIENCE TODAY. YOU MADE ME FORGET ABOUT HOW AWESOME MY WHOPPER WAS, BECAUSE YOU WERE SO SHITTY. IT'S NOT OFTEN I DON'T FINISH SOMETHING... BUT I THREW YOU IN THE GARBAGE. The picture looked so amaaaaaaazing. It looked like the buffalo flavor was actually infused into the coating, and cooked with it. BUT NO! They took mediocre chicken strips, and poured AWFUL, NOT SPICY, COLD BUFFALO SAUCE ONTO THEM. It made the chicken cold, and this was some tasteless fucking garbage sauce. This made me so mad. Especially because BK's chicken sandwiches are usually delicious! I WAS EXPECTING MORE! LISTEN UP "THE KING"... QUIT BEING A MISLEADING KING. RULE YOUR TASTY KINGDOM WITH TASTINESS... NOT MISLEADING PICTURES AND INCONSISTENT CHICKEN. STICK TO WHOPPERS, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BEST.