McDonalds Bacon Ranch Junior Chicken & Double Cheeseburger
Hey everybody, looks like you're in luck today! I'm not only reviewing one sandwich, but I'm reviewing two sandwiches at the same time! I hope that's okay with you?! Actually, it's my blog, so I can do whatever I want! WHO are YOU to say that I can't write whatever I WANT on MY BLOG? Do you think I even care about your opinion anyways? WHY SHOULD I? I'M THE ONE WHO DOES ALL THE HARD WORK AROUND HERE WRITING THESE BLOGS.... IF I WANT TO PUT TWO BURGERS IN ONE POST, THAN GOD DAMMIT I'M GONNA DO THAT. YOU CAN'T STOP ME. YOU DON'T PAY THE INTERNET BILLS AROUND HERE! MAYBE I'LL JUST TYPE IN BOLDFACE FROM NOW ON. YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU THINK THAT'S A PROBLEM. MAYBE NEXT TIME I'LL REVIEW THREE BURGERS AT ONCE AND THEN POST IT ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WEBSITE. MAYBE I'LL JUST START REVIEWING CAT PAJAMAS AND I WON'T EVEN CHANGE THE NAME OF MY BLOG. YOU'LL OPEN UP FAST FOOD JOSH AND THERE'LL BE FUCKING CAT PAJAMAS EVERYWHERE. IS MY BLOG MALFUNCTIONING? NO!!! GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Carl's Jr. Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich

This breakfast sandwich is, hands down, THE GREATEST. FUCKING. BREAKFAST. SANDWICH. EVER. People say "Good Morning" all the time because apparently it's a common phrase. I SAY NO MORE! You have not had a "Good Morning" until you've had this magical foodstuff. If your morning doesn't start with a Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich from Carl's Jr.... THEN YOU'RE MORNING IS BAD. IT'S A BAD MORNING. WELCOME TO YOUR SAD EXISTENCE. Except me. I had a good morning, oh lordy did I ever. Imagine biting into this sandwich for a minute with me. The sourdough bread is perfectly toasted, yet still has a lovely softness to it. It's lightly buttered, and houses a scrambled egg, and your choice of ham, bacon, or sausage. Oh... and what else is in there? Cheese? TWO SLICES OF CHEESE? A SLICE OF CHEDDAR AND A SLICE OF SWISS? YES. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IS ALSO BETWEEN THESE SOURDOUGHS.............. Did you just imagine that inside of your brain? Did you just wet your pants? Wow. That good huh... When you take a breakfast sandwich and place it in sourdough, you are bringing it to the next level. But when you include two slices of different cheese as well, YOU ARE GOING TO THE MOON FOREVER. I highly suggest that ALL fast food restaurants adopt the sourdough option. It transforms the sandwich. Jack In The Box has a sourdough burger and it's DELIGHTFUL. Could you imagine a sourdough Big Mac? I can. I think I'm getting a tad too excited here. Regardless. If you can make it to a Carl's Jr. in the morning please do. But I would avoid their hashbrowns. They're those small little circle ones just like BK's. And they suck, just like BK's. Just get their awesome fries instead. Or maybe even... TWO SOURDOUGH SANDWICHES. omg...

BK Whopper Chz & Buffalo Chicken Strips
Everybody needs to eat more Whoppers, because you will have a happier life. SHORTER, but HAPPIER. It's HUGE. Not like, tall from toppings. IT HAS A BIG CIRCUMFERENCE. IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BITE INTO A TRUCK TIRE, WHICH IS SO. DAMNED. SATISFYING. You always have to re-arrange this burger too, because all the veggies are chucked into the center and the mayo and ketchup is just slopped on top. But that's the beauty of it. It's a big sloppy dirty mess, but it tastes delicious. It's like eating your fat drunk uncle Rick.... except he tastes LIKE A DELICIOUS FLAME BROILED WHOPPER. The best part is that because it's so wide, the Whopper needs 2 cheese slices, because one is too small for this sexy babe. WHOPPERS: FUCK YEAH.
Okay... Onto the Buffalo Chicken Strips... GO FUCK YOURSELF. YOU RUINED MY EXPERIENCE TODAY. YOU MADE ME FORGET ABOUT HOW AWESOME MY WHOPPER WAS, BECAUSE YOU WERE SO SHITTY. IT'S NOT OFTEN I DON'T FINISH SOMETHING... BUT I THREW YOU IN THE GARBAGE. The picture looked so amaaaaaaazing. It looked like the buffalo flavor was actually infused into the coating, and cooked with it. BUT NO! They took mediocre chicken strips, and poured AWFUL, NOT SPICY, COLD BUFFALO SAUCE ONTO THEM. It made the chicken cold, and this was some tasteless fucking garbage sauce. This made me so mad. Especially because BK's chicken sandwiches are usually delicious! I WAS EXPECTING MORE! LISTEN UP "THE KING"... QUIT BEING A MISLEADING KING. RULE YOUR TASTY KINGDOM WITH TASTINESS... NOT MISLEADING PICTURES AND INCONSISTENT CHICKEN. STICK TO WHOPPERS, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BEST.

Arby's Smokehouse Brisket Sandwich
I originally wasn't going to write anything in here again because nobody reads it lol... BUT. WHEN I BIT INTO THIS SANDWICH, I KNEW I HAD TO SPREAD THE WORD TO THE FEW PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS... BECAUSE YOU NEED TO FUCKING EAT THIS SANDWICH RIGHT NOW. Whatever useless shit you're doing right now, you need to stop it, and go get this sandwich. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TO A BABY. TELL YOUR HUSBAND OR BABY DADDY TO GO GET YOU THIS SANDWICH. You'll be so fucking blown away by the taste, that when the baby pops out, YOU'LL NAME IT ARBY. Honestly... This brisket is actually smoked for 13 hours. That's some fancy smokehouse bullshit! The meat is so juicy and smoky and tender it's amazing. But to make it better, they cover it with crunchy fried onions, creamy mayo and tangy BBQ sauce, and then drop that sexy meat onto THE SOFTEST brioche bun you ever did eat. THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. This is one of the best sandwiches I have ever eaten. Don't deny yourself of this privilege, or you will hate yourself forever. I'M THINKING ARBY'S MOTHERFUCKER. I am gonna go eat another one omg. 

Carl's Jr. Original Thickburger 
YEAH. YOU FUCKING READ THAT RIGHT. CARL'S JR. I'm not in America either. THEY'VE FRANCHISED INTO CANADA. I've heard there's been a couple open in BC for a bit now, but they've finally ventured into Alberta. Weird locations really though... Nothing in the big cities yet. First one was in Grande Prairie, and the most recent addition was Spruce Grove, just west of Edmonton. Luckily for me, I was in Edmonton when I heard the news. I WAS SO EXCITED I raced over, only to find a lineup of over 50 people. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
Now I admit, I had my doubts from the start, and wasn't sure if it was worth the wait. Every time I've ventured into the States I'll usually go to Jack in the Box and Carl's to get food unavailable to us deprived Canucks... And every time, Jack in the Box FUCKING RULES and Carl's has always DISAPPOINTED. It was never fresh. Now I figured this was just due to lazy american employees, and not the food itself, and I figured a Canadian franchise would probably do it better. Boy was I right...
THIS BURGER WAS MESSIER THAN A GARBAGE DUMP BUT MOST LIKELY A BAJILLION TIMES MORE TASTY. (I think... Never really tasted a garbage dump, but I imagine it's pretty gross. Could be wrong?) IT WAS SO DELICIOUS. You know when you see videos of dolphins jumping out of the ocean in happiness, with their friends, doing flips, and making sounds of rejoice? THAT'S HOW MY FUCKING TASTEBUDS FELT. THEY WANTED TO BURST FROM THE CONFINES OF MY MOUTH AND SCREAM, THANK YOU JESUS. Like... You can see how much sauce is overflowing, and that's before I've even touched it. First bite was like BLAM I had MUSTARD HANDS, I was MUSTARD MAN. I actually had to use every napkin they gave me, by the time I finished. Being messy is one of their prides though, it even says so on the receipt! Totally worth it though. The Thickburger is; naturally; a thicker patty. Charbroiled dark, but still juicy. Every Thickburger comes on a special fresh made bun. Pretty sure it's a Brioche, chewy and a bit sweet... soft and seductive... IT'S A GOOD BUN BRO. The veg was all fresh and crisp. The cheese, while melty, had more texture than most processed slices. It was quite nice. ALL AROUND FANTASTIC BURGER. The fries I ordered were the "Crisscut" fries, which are basically a seasoned waffle fry. Also, crispy and delicious. I'm excited to try out more at Carl's, but until they open more locations here, I imagine my experiences will be few and far between (single tear drops from my eye). Hopefully the expansion shall be quick though because this meal was OFF THE CHAIN. Carl's Jr in Canada does way better than it's home counterparts. Maybe America should care more about SERVING QUALITY FAST FOOD. STEP YOUR GAME UP, MINIMUM WAGE EMPLOYEES. YOU MAY NOT BE PAID WELL, BUT YOU'RE REPRESENTING AMERICA and right now CANADA is beating you at your own game. THANKS OBAMA.

This is how to treat Subway.

Harvey's Fish Sandwich
Well here's another fucking bland attempt at a fish sandwich. This sucks. Just like Wendy's, you're all hyped up on it being some fancy ass "North Atlantic Cod", but I'd rather drown in the North Atlantic than eat this sandwich again. I didn't even take a real picture of it because I don't wanna hurt your eyes, damn... For real though, no hate Harvs. It actually looked just like this. It was all fresh and good quality just like Harvey's always is; but there's just no flavor. It seems to be the issue every time a fast food place, other than McDonalds, tries a fish sandwich. BK's is alright actually, but still not amazing. Wendy's was wack too. So I really can't sit here and hate on Harvey's right now, because it's all of ya'll that can't do it (except you Ronald)... Maybe it's actually a science on how to make a good fish sandwich... And everybody knows you gotta go to school to become a scientist... Which means that Ronald McDonald must be a scientist in order to have perfected the fish sandwich... And he's also A CLOWN....Which means he must have went to CLOWN COLLEGE... WHICH MEANS THAT WENDY, AND HARVEY, AND THE KING HIMSELF MUST ENROLL IN FUCKING CLOWN COLLEGE IN ORDER TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE A GOOD FISH SANDWICH... DO IT NOW YA BUSTA ASSES.

Tim Horton's Crispy Chicken Sandwich
Alright so I normally don't do Timmies, because to me; it doesn't really fit into the "fast food" status. I mean, yeah... they got a drive thru and your food comes in paper bags and shit... but it's mostly a coffee/donut shop, although they do have a lot of food selections. I dunno. they're kind of fast food. Fuckin decide on your own JESUS. Anyways... This is the first time they've ventured into a burger-style sandwich. Crispy chicken filet on a round bun? That's a mah-fuckin chicken burger Tims. And all I gotta say is WHAT THE FUCK. REAL GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION YOU CANADIAN IDIOTS. This sandwich is so fucking shitty it pisses me off. I mean, the bun and the veggies and all that shit are fine. It's hard for a bakery to fuck up a bun, realtalk. But hot fuck, the piece of chicken RUINS EVERYTHING MOM, YOU RUINED EVERYTHING. You know when your mom was like, gonna make chicken fingers at home in the oven, and you were like fuck... I hate those... but your mom is like wtf Billy, you love them at Burger King. Well that's because there's a big difference. Chicken strips at fast food are white meat (mostly), and deep fried to get em crispy and juicy... But OVEN CHICKEN FINGERS ARE WACK... They're always that shitty ass meat breaded in fucking brown gravel, and then stuck in the oven to evaporate any juices that were left over, and they taste like how an oven smells. THEY SUCK. Well this is what that tastes like. CHEAP OVEN CHICKEN RETARD FINGERS IN A BUN. Tim; The reason why you can't do this, is because you're a fucking donut shop. You DON'T have fryers. You DON'T have a grill. You've got fucking microwaves, toasters, soup-keep-warmers, and an oven for baking half-baked donuts. Stick to food that can be prepared there. Don't even bother getting fryers or grills either because your employees are mostly too retarded to use those. Anybody ever order a bagel from Tims? HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR FUCKING CREAM CHEESE SPREAD AROUND PROPERLY? PROBABLY NOT. UGH I'M SO MAD. FUCK YOU TIM HORTON. 

McDonalds Steak 'N Caesar McWrap
Alright, so if you've read my previous post about the McDonald's Steak and Egg Bagel, you'll know that I HATED IT. It was awful. But... not exactly because of the steak. I hated it because their bagels are always HARD AS FUCK like Ghostface Killa, but not in a good way. If I remember, I enjoyed the steak part; but only after removing it from the bagel. I said if they woulda put it in their english muffin or something, it'd be good. WELP, they brought it back again with their shitty bagel, but also in wrap form! Unfortunately it's BLAND AS FUCK like a Toyota Camry. Even the steak part is fucking lame. It just tastes like a piece of burger patty. It's definitely not just regular ground beef... But it doesn't taste as good as last time. I imagine last time it was better simply because of the STEAK SAUCE... WHICH THEY DON'T PUT ON THIS. Instead, they put this basic ass caesar sauce, and throw some fucking lettuce, parmesan, and their signature "hard as fucking plastic with no goddamn taste" bacon. Seriously. McDonalds has no idea what the fuck bacon is. Their bacon is the worst bacon ever like, holy shit. HOW DOES AN AMERICAN LEGEND FUCK UP THE THING THAT MAKES YOU ALL SO FUCKING FAT. LEARN BACON. Also... Stay the fuck away from steak until you learn to use it. Both of your steak items are hella shitty. Stupid ass clown. Stick to your delicious cheeseburgers.