McDonalds Spicy Thai McBistro
You know what? I'm getting kind of sick of this whole "McBistro" thing. This whole "McCafe" thing. This whole fucking "McDonalds is for grownups now" thing. It's lame, and they've completely succeeded with the entire grownup atmosphere. It's kind of sad. When's the last time you saw a Ronald McDonald statue, sitting on the bench next to you. Their main man Ronald, is hidden away now, in their past. Now, when you walk into McDonalds, it's McCafe ALL IN YOUR FACE. Try our new gourmet cappuccino! It feels like you're walking into a nice hotel, when you look at the interior design. A central fireplace. Flatscreen TV's with the news playing. Glass mosaic tiles decorate the neutral colored walls... I mean yeah it's kind of nice. But I miss all the bright cheesy colors. The Nintendo 64 game stations. The Cheeseburglar, and that fat purple fuck Grimace. But I also miss all those crazy McFood antics. McPizza! McSpaghetti! That weird non-carbonated "Orange Drink" that tasted like pure sugar! ALL GONE. WE'RE GROWN UPS NOW, AND WE LIKE BISTRO SANDWICHES, AND FANCY COFFEE. MAAAAAN FUCK THAT. Bring back the fun!!! The thing that makes me even more sad... is that as opposed as I am to this McBistro stuff... THIS SANDWICH IS OFF THE CHAIN. SERIOUSLY. IT'S ACUTALLY SPICY, BUT SUPER FLAVORFUL. This should definitely be a full time menu item. The sauce is a delicious sweet and spicy thai sauce. The cucumbers are extremely fresh and crunchy, and those red pepper crisps are a crazy thing I've never even had before! The bun is whole wheat, but soooo soft. Like really... This sandwich is so well put together. The tastes are in perfect harmony. McDonalds should put this on the menu full time, and call it something cheesy like the McThailand. Then, they should get rid of the entire fucking McCafe bullshit, paint the benches teal, yellow, and white again, bring back fucking RONALD MCDONALD, AND HAVE SOME FUN AGAIN. STOP TRYING TO TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY MCDONALDS. YOUR MASCOT IS A CLOWN.
UPDATE: This was reviewed on the crispy platform. I just ate one with the grilled chicken piece, and it was wack. Kinda tasted fishy? I dunno, maybe one of the filipino cooks had just used the grill to cook up some shrimp for lunch or something, but regardless... get the crispy one for maximum taste.

Wendy's Premium Fish Fillet Sandwich
I don't care if it's premium, THIS SANDWICH IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND TASTES BLAND AND SUCKS ASS. The reason it makes me so upset too, is whenever they bring this limited time sandwich around, they always advertise it to bash the Filet-O-Fish. "Our Premium fish filet sandwich is made with 100% North Pacific Cod. Not like those other places, who don't tell you what kind of fish is going in your sandwich." BOO FUCKING HOO. WHO CARES WHAT KIND OF FISH IS GOING IN A DEEP FRIED FISH STICK. IT'S ALL WHITE FISH. AFTER IT GETS GOD DAMN BREADED, FRIED IN OIL, AND COVERED IN TARTAR SAUCE, YOU CAN'T TELL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE. YOU CAN'T PICK UP TWO FRIED FISH PATTIES AND BE LIKE, "OH YEP THIS ONES POLLOCK, AND THIS ONES FUCKING COD". Actually. I bet newfies could tell the difference. BUT THEY DON'T COUNT. Seriously. Who cares if there's ten different types of fish in your fucking filet. It's not like it's going to make you sick. You don't go to a sushi bar and hear the waitress say, "Oh u betta be carefur customer-san. U can onree eat 1 type of fish a dayu." DOESN'T HAPPEN. FUCK YOU WENDY'S. Just trying to make MORE PEOPLE PARANOID ABOUT THE FILET-O-FISH. It sucks too, because this sandwich doesn't even hold up the "premium" name. It tastes so fucking bland. The tartar sauce is not as tangy, and there's barely any on there. Instead of tasty cheese, they give you boring lettuce, and the filet doesn't even taste seasoned.  THIS SANDWICH SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. If anybody out there has tried this sandwich, AND the Filet-O-Fish, and thinks that this one is better... let me know... bitch I'll kill you and your little brother. 

Mary Browns Big Mary Sandwich & Taters
Here's somewhere I haven't done yet. Mary Browns Famous Chicken & Taters! This place has really fucking good fried chicken. Way better than KFC. The sandwich is really good too. It's a super thick and juicy fried chicken breast, atop shredded lettuce, covered in the creamiest mayo, and topped with a sesame seed bun. Also, they put a dill slice on the top of the sandwich, which gives that extra southern style taste. It really is an awesome sandwich. Nothing wrong with it. Seriously though, it's hard for the taters not to steal the show here. I'm serious when I say that, these are some of the best damn taters you will ever have. I dunno what type of light batter they use, but it give them this perfect crispy outside, and they stay a perfect texture. Actually, now that I think about it... I'm pretty sure it's the same batter they use for their fried chicken. GENIUS. I totally recommend getting a side of mayo for these taters. Makes them AMAZEBALLS. Also, if you want your sandwich to have some more kick, Mary Browns stocks Louisiana hot sauce in packets. Dump one of those on your sandwich and it takes it to A WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL. The only thing that sucks though, is that this place isn't as common as your KFC's. You might have to hunt one down, but it's worth it for sure. Also, they have HOT OPENFACED CHICKEN SANDWICHES HERE. Just like mom used to make with the leftover chicken from a roast the night before. YEAH. Chopped chicken pieced on a slice of soft texas toast, SMOTHERED IN CHICKEN GRAVY. AWWWWW YEAAAAAH. Go get one of those too.

Wendy's JBC and Chili Cheese Nachos
If you're a poor person, or a a hobolo, this is the combo for you. Both of these babies came off the VALUE MENU. These two items will ring you up under 4 bucks. CHUMP CHANGE. Hella tasty though. The JBC is a a true taste for value. $1.89 for beef, cheese, smoky bacon, fresh lettuce and tomato, creamy mayo, on a soft bun. SO CHEEEEEP. They're pretty damn good too. I still wish Wendy's would put mustard on their burgers but THAT'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT ISSUE. MUSTARD IS AWESOME. WHY DO YOU IGNORE IT YOU REDHEADED FRECKLE FACE BITCH. IT BELONGS ON BURGERS... Ugh... Anyways. The Chili Cheese Nachos are delicious too. Gonna make you feel like a greaseball, but that's okay, YOU'RE POOR! YOU ARE A GREASEBALL! Eat this shit up. They use the same chili as, well... their chili. It's awesome. their cheese is just a cheese sauce. It's the same sauce they use on their cheesy cheddar burger, which is also on the value menu... SCORE! Apparently you're supposed to eat these nachos with your hands, but if you look at the picture, I dunno how the hell you're gonna eat that shit without a fork. Those nachos are SWIMMING IN CHEESE AND MEAT. IT'S GREAT. One thing though, is this might not fill you up. The value menus sandwiches are obviously pretty small. Nice thing is though, shits so cheap you can just get more. Unless you're actually poor, and you really only have 4 dollars. In that case, ask her for saltine crackers, THEY'RE FREE. PROTIP FOR BUMS. 

McDonalds Bacon McGriddle
There's only one way to describe this sandwich. DAT SHIT CRAY. Seriously. This is a mish-mosh of breakfast flavors all piled on top of eachother. The middle ingredients are pretty standard when it comes to breakfast sandwiches. You got your sausage or bacon, processed cheese, and egg. But all of a sudden SHIT GOES HAYWIRE WHEN YOU HIT THE BUN. IT'S FUCKING HOTCAKES. But these ain't yo mommaz hotcakes. THESE ARE FILLED WITH TINY POCKETS OF SYRUP, AND THEN HAVE THE GOLDEN ARCHES TOASTED INTO THE TOPS (^.^ super kawaiiii). Really though, those buns are BANANAS. not literally, but they're crazy shit. Honestly though, it's a really good sandwich. McDonalds is totally at the top of the game when it comes to breakfast choices. The Mcgriddle, your classic McMuffins, Breakfast burritos (THE BEST), and then your pancake breakfast. A&W is up there too though, because they have the closest you'll get to a homemade breakfast, but still cheap and good as hell. But the McGriddle is as far from classic as you can get. This is some intergalactic shit. It's not something most people could eat on a regular basis... EVEN ME. If you've got the balls to eat these constantly you're probably a space man, OR A FAT FUCK.

Quizno's Steakhouse Beef Dip
BEHOLD. THE KING OF SUB SHOPS. QUIZNOS. I'm telling you. Quizno's is the best fucking place to get a sub EVER. They're pretty much gourmet sandwiches. Every sandwich tastes like all the ingredients were thought out extremely well by scientists and chefs. SCIENCHEFS.  They're the people who create Quizno's sandwiches; and while I know a beef dip isn't the most complicated thing to make, THIS ONE IS THE BEST ONE. Their beef is juicy, covered in stringy mozzarella, peppercorn sauce, and finished with tasty sauteed onions. The bread is hella soft and perfectly toasted in their REAL OVEN, not a fucking shitty gay microwave like assholes SUBWAY over there (dicks). Once this gets out of the oven, the cheese is bubbling and smells so good. You grab some free peppers from the pepper bar and chuck'em in your sandwich basket and then you SIT DOWN AND EAT THIS. The Au Jus is herby, savory, and deliciously meaty. When it soaks into the bread and meat, it's the tastiest, juicest bite you'll have had. THIS SHIT'S JUICIER AND TASTIER THAN YO MOMMA. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH.

TacoTime Crisp Beef Burrito & Mexifries Deluxe
Arriba Arriba Muchachos! It's my first Taco Time review; and this meal made me happier than a beaner in a lowrider. Now, I'm sure you all know how much I love Taco Bell, but I also love Taco Time. I can't say that one is better than the other, because that simply isn't the case. They're 2 completely different styles of food. YES, they're both mexican... but Taco Time leans more towards the authentic style of Mexican fast food, whereas Taco Bell hangs out in the "american cheap sleazy" version of mexican food... BOTH COMPLETELY AWESOME. Onto the food though, I'm sure most of you haven't ever eaten the Crisp Beef Burrito. It's so underrated, and doesn't really get advertisements or nothing, but I'm telling you, that you NEED TO TRY ONE. It's a soft flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef and cheese, and as soon as you order it, they drop it into the fryer so it's hot and fresh as HELL when you get this thing. I'm serious. Be careful when you take your first bite. This shit is like mexican lava. CALIENTE! CALIENTE! Give it a minute to cool down. Also, you gotta wait a minute for them to fry it, because it's fresh. I know that's ALOT of waiting, but it's worth it. Make sure while you're waiting, you fill up a cup of Original Hot Sauce. Once it's ready to go, dip that skinny bitch in the hot sauce and chow down. IT'S SO GOOD. But it won't fill you up because it's a little guy, so you gotta DELUXE YOUR MEXIFRIES. AND DAMN THAT IS A GOOD DECISION. Mexifries are the bomb from the start. Fried tater-tots, WHATS UP!!? Now load it up with cool creamy sour cream, CHEEEESE SAUCE, SEASONED BEEEEEF, and some fresh Pico De Gallo(this shit is the bomb. if u aint know, google that shit chumpass). Now you've got a damn good meal. FUCKING BEEFY ALL OVER. PLUS TACO TIME HAS THE BEST BEEF SEASONING OUT THERE. SOOOO GOOOOOD. Go eat this now if you know what's good for you. If you don't, you'll wake up to a CHUPACABRA EATING YOUR FACE, BECAUSE YOU'RE A JACKASS.

Dairy Queen Double Cheeseburger
Cheap, sloppy, and tasty. That describes this burger perfectly. They're always cheap, and always a good choice. But there's a few things you gotta know. FIRST OF ALL. Those pickles are fucking amazing. Something about DQ's pickles make them hella crunchy, and hella good. SECOND OF ALL. This is another burger where everything is on top of the patties, and there's nothing but meat juice soaked into the bottom bun. In order to make this burger better, open the top bun, grab the patties and flip them over. Now there's ketchup and mustard on the top AND the bottom bun. Super smart. NOW THIRDLY, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY. When you order this shit, tell the cashier that you want these burgers NOT MICROWAVED. That's right. They slap these burgers together real fast, and chuck'em into an industrial microwave for about 8 seconds. Now that doesn't sound like much time, but in an INDUSTRIAL microwave, it is. The bun gets nice and warm, but the fucking cheese melts all over the wrapper, and it just doesn't taste right. Now, when you tell the cashier this, she'll probably look at you like, "UM WAT? WE DON'T MICROWAVE THE BURGERS? WHY U SAY DAT" She won't actually say that... but she'll look like that's what she's thinking. Basically, she doesn't want to walk all the way back to the kitchen and take the effort to tell somebody to make it properly. But make sure she does, or she's a stupid bitch... I have so much angst built up for these burger bitchez... JUST DO WHAT I SAY. I'M THE CUSTOMER AND YOU WORK FOR LIKE, 5 DOLLARS AN HOUR. GOD DAMN... Jesus... Okay so anyways, when you tell them not to microwave this, that forces them to cook the burgers a little longer in the broiler, and then the cheese melts naturally on top of the smoky flame broiled burger. The pickles stay crunchy, and the bun stays soft. I have a feeling alot of people don't like DQ because they're so used to eating their microwaved burgers. BUT YOU CAN FIX THIS. Just tell them how you want it! =) Same thing with Burger King. Tell them you want your burger "off the broiler", and they'll fresh grill your burgers ON THE SPOT. Now... I know this sounds like a little bit of work. You have to do 2 steps to make your burger perfect. But it's worth it, especially since cheeseburgers are 2 for 2.99, and doubles are 2 for 3.99. That's only 2 bucks for a double cheeseburger. Now I knooooooow a McDouble at McD's is only 1.39, but the burgers are way smaller than this. You eat 2 double cheeseburgers from DQ and you should be pretty full. PLUS, YOU CAN GET A BLIZZARD AT THE SAME TIME. AND THOSE ARE THE GREATEST THING EVER. GO GO GO GO GO GO.

A&W Chubby Chicken BLT
Damn right. A&W's finally sprucing up their menu, and they're adding things BY THE TRUCKLOAD. The Chubby chicken burger has now evolved into A TRIPLE TROUBLE. You've got your OG Chubby Chicken, the Chipotle Chubby Chicken, and THIS, the BLT Chubby Chicken. They've also made the Buddy Burgers a PERMANENT ITEM. AWWWW FUCKINGYEAAAAA. Those burgers are TIGHT. The Cheddar Bacon Uncle Burger is still dominating the world, and my heart, as THE BEST BURGER EVER. They've even started to change their fries! YEAH WHAT?!?! It's weird though... Some restaurants have the new fries, and some restaurants, like the one I went to for this meal, still has the old ones. MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND MR. ARTHUR AND MR. WRIGHT!!! (that's what A and W stands for in A&W. See! You learned something new! My blog isn't COMPLETELY bullshit. =D ) ANYWAYS. This sandwich is pretty darn good. The chubby patty is perfectly seasoned juicy chicken breast, it's got fresh tomatoes, lettuce, mayo, and tasty tasty bacon, on their new ciabatta bun. The first thing you notice is the soft and chewy ciabatta bun. It's got alot more taste than a plain bun. Cheeseburgers work on a plain sesame bun just fine, because there's so much different flavors on a cheeseburger. There's not as many condiments on a chicken burger, so the addition of a fancy bun totally makes things good. This burger really does taste like a scrumptious ass BLT with juicy chicken in the middle. It works together SOOOO GOOD. My only complaint, is that it needed more mayo. As the only condiment on this sandwich, you need more than a small layer of creamy delicious MAYONNAAAAAAAAISE. I FUCKING LOVE MAYONNAISE. OH MAN. Maybe it's just me that needs extra mayo, because I love it so much. But you really can't go wrong getting a little extra. Trust me. Plus, mayo is like the glue that holds together a perfect BLT sandwich, so this sandwich runs by the same rules. DON'T BREAK THE RULES OF FAST FOOD, OR I'LL FIND YOU... I'LL BE FRIENDLY TO YOU... I'LL BUY YOU SOME FAST FOOD... And before you realize what's happened, YOU'LL BE ON THE FLOOR DYING BECAUSE I POISONED YOUR POP. YEAH... DON'T BREAK THOSE RULEZ FOOLZ.